


Getting Over Him: A Twelve-Step Program

by AllIWannaDo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-25
Updated: 2014-08-10
Packaged: 2018-02-10 09:52:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2020566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllIWannaDo/pseuds/AllIWannaDo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Getting Over James: A Twelve Step Program. It's as simple as that, says Lily following her breakup with James. But is getting over her one true love as easy as she thinks?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Step 1: Admit the problem.

_I, Lily Evans, have a problem._

_What, you didn't actually think that I would reveal the details of my problem, did you?_

_You expect too much of me._

_…_

_FINE. James Potter, all right? JAMES BLOODY POTTER._

_The bane of my existence. The one boy that I will always hate. And love just as much._

Lily surveyed the words before her with disgust.

Exactly three months had passed since James Potter and Lily Evans, the most infamous "Will they? Won't they?" couple ever to pass through Hogwarts, had parted ways.

And yet, she still remembered it like it was yesterday, right down to the very last detail. The look on James' face. The ache of her regret. The sensation of his lips against her forehead as he uttered a final goodbye…

It was unfortunate that she remembered these things so clearly, and sometimes she wished she didn't…but she did.

She added the word "pathetic" to her self-deprecating rant.

Everyone knew that acknowledging a problem was the first step toward overcoming it. But Lily was not entirely sure that she could solve her problem. In fact, lately she had begun to wonder whether _she_ was the problem. For if she truly hated James Potter, and would not hesitate to admit it, she hated herself even more. She had given her heart to the one boy she always knew would leave it broken. And she had let him keep it. It was killing her inside.

Scowling, she folded the paper roughly and shoved it beneath her pillow, glancing quickly at the sleeping forms of her roommates. They remained motionless, their breathing calm and steady. That was a relief. As usual, Lily was the only one awake, alone in her depression. She closed her eyes and prayed silently for sleep to overtake her. She knew it would; it was merely a question of _when_. Any moment now. She fluffed her pillow. She rolled onto her right side, then her left. She fiddled with her wand, and even counted cracks in the ceiling. It had to be after midnight, at least, and still sleep continued to evade her. Lily wanted to scream and storm the boys' dormitory with an army of hippogriffs and chocolate frogs (a years' supply of hair gel might also be helpful, considering the recipient). _Loudly_. Biting her tongue, she slipped into her robe and silently exited the room, in search of a place to vent her frustrations.

The common room was eerily quiet. As she descended the staircase, Lily noticed a fifth year asleep in the armchair nearest the fire, an OWL practice booklet open in her lap. She wondered briefly if she should wake her, but decided against it, enjoying the pleasant atmosphere too much to risk disturbing it. She was almost tempted to lie down on the couch, in the hope that the warmth of the fire would ease her nerves a bit, when she remembered the purpose of her little midnight excursion. James Potter. He was the reason for her sleepless nights. And for that he would pay.

Taking a long, steadying breath, Lily Evans thundered up the stairs and into the boys' dormitories. She stopped at the room belonging to the marauders. Her hand shook when she raised it to knock.

Her resolve was firm. James Potter was a…one time he…well, it was late, and Lily was having some difficulty articulating her thoughts. But she knew she loathed him with every fiber of her being. The dull ache in her chest was proof enough. And she wanted him to know it too. Didn't she?

Suddenly Lily wasn't so sure after all.

Before she could muster the courage to knock, or turn back, the door swung open with a bang.

Lily gulped. Standing in the doorway was a very confused Sirius, fully dressed and clutching an old, worn piece of parchment. He blushed at the sight of her, shoving the parchment behind his back.

"Evans?" he whispered cautiously.

"H-hullo, Sirius," she managed. She tried to keep calm. At least she hadn't come face-to-face with James. "Nice night, isn't it?"

He nodded, then, "Oy, Prongsie! You'll never guess who - !"

"Shut up, you great git!" Lily gasped, pulling Sirius into the hallway with her. He stumbled forward, knocking into her. In spite of everything, Lily couldn't help the smile that crept across her lips; most girls would kill to find themselves pinned to the floor by the self-proclaimed Gryffindor Heartthrob, Sirius Black. Too bad she wasn't interested. Still, she made a mental note of the situation; maybe she could give free consultations. "How To Get an Unsuspecting Sirius Black in a Compromising Position." The name needed work. Still, the thought made her giggle. She was the last person on the face of the earth with the authority to dispense relationship advice.

Sirius, presumably on his way to a midnight snogging session, mistook her giggle for one of arousal rather than amusement. "Uh. No offense, Evans, you're real pretty and all, but – umm – considering your history with Prongs-."

"Ugh. Did you seriously think…?" She couldn't even bear to complete the thought. "Get off me!"

Sirius frowned, but thankfully relented. "As you wish."

He helped her up, and they stood together awkwardly. Lily racked her brain for a fitting alibi. The truth was, she hadn't the faintest idea what she was doing there in the first place, so technically nothing she said could be construed as a lie. Not exactly, anyway. She sighed, twirling her hair in concentration. Finally, Sirius broke the silence.

"So what're you doing up here, anyway, Evans?"

Oh, crap. "Umm…well…I was just going to…I wanted to…I thought I should…"

"Pay a visit to dear 'ol Jamesie?" Sirius interrupted, smirking. "See how things were going Post-Meltdown?"

_Yes. That's exactly what you were doing. Tell the truth, Lils_. Harsh. Surely her conscience would have realized how much she despised the nickname "Lils." Just for that she would disregard it. Besides…trust Sirius with the truth? Ludicrous! And pointless, really, especially since the whole truth involved such nonsense as fire and large quantities of hair gel…

"No," she snapped instead. "I was taking a stroll. I needed to clear my head. Get some fresh air. You know."

He eyed her suspiciously, but didn't question her explanation. "Gotcha."

"Anyway, I'd best be getting back to my dormitory, but I'd appreciate it if you'd keep this…erm…incident between us. There's no need to bother anyone else." She put extra emphasis on the word "anyone"; she hoped Sirius would take the hint. "Or give anyone the wrong idea." Lily, however, was more concerned that someone (meaning James) would get the _right_ idea than the wrong one.

Sirius didn't seem entirely convinced, but reluctantly agreed to let her presence in the boys' dormitories slide. Lily thanked him, smiling. Her secret was safe with him.

She turned and headed back downstairs to the common room, still mulling over the depths of her own pathetic desperation.

She flopped down on the couch, curling into a ball and hiding her face with a pillow.

What in the world had possessed her?!

_James_.

The answer came to her with a swing of the portrait hole.

Lily blinked, confused. Was he real? Indeed he was. The boy Lily had once considered the truest of all true loves, her soul mate, her better half, standing beside her once more, his eyes widened in shock.

He raked his hands through his hair nervously, dazed, as if he were dreaming. "L-Lily?" he choked.

She sat up a little straighter, her head spinning. She had forgotten how intoxicatingly sweet her name sounded coming from his lips…

_Damn_.

"James," she managed to reply coolly. She kept her eyes trained on the fluffy white rabbits perched atop her slippers. She didn't dare look up…or perhaps she couldn't bear it.

He was near enough to touch now, so near that goose pimples rose on her arms. His presence made her anxious…and not in a good way. This was not the first time in three months that she had seen him. On the contrary, Lily had seen James every day since their breakup, even gotten used to seeing him with other girls. It was easier to bear when she reminded herself of how much she hated him, and all the reasons why it hadn't worked between them. But she hadn't been alone with him until now.

Ugh. She had to pull herself together! She wanted to destroy James, make him feel her agony, not melt into a puddle at his feet. Not that it wasn't tempting. A minute more of being in such close proximity and she might have cracked.

That is, until the portrait hole opened once again and out stepped Analiese Minnow, wearing a short, slinky nightie, her blonde pigtails bobbing merrily. In her arms was a carton of ice cream, nearly empty. The flavor was cookies n' cream, a favorite of Lily's. She cringed, watching as Analiese licked her lips flirtatiously, a glob of sticky ice cream dangling from her finger.

"And you thought you could outrun me! Didn't I tell you - ?" She froze. "Isn't that your ex-girlfriend?" she wondered instead.

So James had moved on, after all. Really moved on. Why had no one told her? And here she was, holding on to the ridiculous notion that someday, perhaps -.

No.

This was the last straw.

"I think I'll be going now," she said to no one in particular.

And with that, she rushed up the stairs and into the safety of her dormitory, soundlessly.

She felt like such a fool; she couldn't even cry.

Her heart struggled with an overwhelming mix of emotions: anger, disappointment, and…something else she wouldn't mention.

Inhaling deeply, she fell into bed and bound the curtains tightly around her, overturning her pillow. Its contents spilled onto the bed. A candy wrapper, an old photograph of her parents, a Christmas card…and one wrinkled, tearstained piece of parchment.

She found a pen in the rubble and gently unfolded the paper, smoothing out the creases.

_Alice was right. I'm not over James…but I will be. I HAVE TO BE, understand?_

_Getting Over James: A 12-Step Program._

_It's as simple as that._


	2. Step 2: Wallow

Lily awoke the next morning with an odd heaviness on her heart. It was different than the usual ache, more crippling and to the point, which explained her sudden inability to move. She sat up slowly and glanced at her watch. It was six A.M. This gave her another hour before breakfast. She thought of her long list of obligations, realizing immediately that she still hadn't started on her Potions essay. Perhaps she could use the extra time…Sleep? Who needed it? Four hours of dreamless sleep was more than enough in her book. Besides, it was Friday, she remembered with a smile. The weekend would give her plenty of time to rest up. She hadn't had any plans in…well…a while.

She reached for her schoolbag, noticing a piece of parchment on her lap. A record of last night's events. Lily scoffed, eager to erase the memory of her own pathetic actions. What was the memory charm again? Obliviate? She wasn't sure. Still, she conjured a quill and wrote, in a quick, messy scrawl:

_A 12-step program, huh? Ingenious! I s'pose it's true that I do my best thinking under pressure (or rather, extreme sleep deprivation)._

_12 steps…12 steps…12 steps…_

_Now if only I could actually come up with 12 steps that will be effective in curing me of my addiction to James Potter._

_Honestly, I'm not very optimistic; I still don't believe it's possible._

_I may need serious help. Would it be too early to consider checking myself into St. Mungo's? I've done volunteer work there in the past. The residents always seemed to enjoy my company, and I know the Healers appreciate my help. I'm sure I'd be quite happy there._

_Oh…who am I even kidding?_

_I'm going to wake Alice and see what she thinks of the situation._

"Don't you dare!" Alice said a few minutes later, in response to Lily's suggestion that she check into St. Mungo's. "I'd miss you too much."

"Enough to keep me from moving on with my life?"

Alice sighed. "C'mon, Lily. I love you, and James is a good bloke, but frankly I think you're both being rather silly. It's obvious you still love each other; why not just get back together?"

"Because." Lily sucked in a breath. It isn't Alice's fault, she reminded herself. She couldn't know about…Analiese Minnow. "He has a girlfriend…and no, I don't mean me."

"WHAT?" Alice looked scandalized. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, of course I'm sure!" Lily yelled, forgetting the early hour. To her right, Dorcas Meadowes snorted in her sleep. Lily reluctantly lowered her voice. "I saw them together, last night, in the common room. James Potter and Analiese Minnow, half-naked, with my favorite ice cream - !"

"Oh, her?" Alice interrupted, waving a hand impatiently. "That's nothing."

"Are you saying you knew about this?!"

"Lily -."

"Oh, so what? So she knew about it. Big deal. We all knew about it. Did you honestly expect us to tell you in your current state of mind?" Dorcas snapped, sitting up in bed.

"Good morning to you, too." Lily mumbled, crossing her arms over her chest. She was in no mood for Dorcas' foul attitude. (Dorcas wasn't always so cruel; she just wasn't a morning person.) She was, however, in the mood to apologize to Alice. That is, provided Alice accepted said apology, and agreed to give Lily some much-needed advice. For if it was advice Lily wanted, advice she would get. Alice was, after all, well-known as the most understanding of the trio.

Dorcas raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "No witty remarks? That's new."

She crossed the room to her dresser, examining her reflection with a critical eye. She mumbled something about "under-eye circles" and "freckles" before quickly casting a concealment charm and heading toward the bathroom door sleepily. Lily waited until Dorcas was out of earshot to address Alice. According to her watch, it was now a quarter after six; that gave her at least until seven. Dorcas loved to hog the bathroom.

"I'm sorry, Alice," Lily said, sighing. She buried her face in her hands. If she wanted sympathy, she had to make it good. "I just…when I saw them together…it affected me more than I'd care to admit."

It took Lily great effort to keep from gagging. The whole conversation reminded her of one of those cheesy, badly written after-school specials she often watched during the summer holidays. But Alice didn't know this; her speech had its desired effect.

Alice smiled consolingly, putting an arm around Lily. "I know you miss James. But you've got to understand that Analiese means nothing to him; I know that for a fact. I've seen them together, too, and the way he looks at her can't even compare with the way he looks at you, even now."

Lily considered Alice's assessment of the James-Analiese relationship carefully, wondering if she could trust it. After all, Alice was in love…with Frank Longbottom, no less!; she saw everything through rose-colored lenses.

Dorcas answered the question for her. "Quit getting her hopes up! Whatever else he is, James Potter is definitely no saint. I reckon he's had a bit of fun with Miss Minnow." She grinned, swinging her hips wildly in imitation of the so-called vixen. Lily frowned at the sudden change in Dorcas; when had she had time to take a shower? And since when was she so insanely chipper? Alice rolled her eyes and threw a pillow at her.

She dodged it, taking a seat beside Lily on the bed.

"That was fast." Lily also noted Dorcas' apparent satisfaction with her appearance; it was clear she hadn't rushed. She was already dressed and primped, and it was only…oh…why even bother checking the time? Dorcas was ready before seven. That alone was a significant event.

Dorcas shrugged sheepishly. "Yeah, well."

"Yeah, yeah, you're amazing. We are all in awe of your brilliance and humbled by your presence. Now back to the topic at hand…"

"Which is…?" Dorcas asked, confused. Alice rarely took that tone with Dorcas, or Lily, or anyone for that matter.

Alice shook her head. "James and Analiese, you prat. Their so-called 'relationship.' Sure, they're having fun, but that's all it is."

Dorcas smiled knowingly. "If you say so, Al."

Alice opened her mouth to retaliate, but Lily silenced her with a flick of the wrist. "Regardless. I'm tired of laying in wait like the sap that I am; it's time I got on with my life. And I was hoping you lot would help me."

"Or rather, you were hoping Alice would help you, and I butted in as usual."

Lily stuck her tongue at Dorcas. "Exactly."

"Well I'm in. I, for one, think our Lils could do better. Much better," Dorcas said seriously. Dorcas had always hated James; no one quite knew why, but Lily had her suspicions. Let's just say that rejection didn't sit well with Dorcas.

"For the last time, stop calling me that!" Lily fumed. "But thanks…I think. Alice?"

She waited while the brunette collected her thoughts. She knew Alice had her own reservations about love. She had spent the better part of her life secretly rooting for James and Lily, putting a lot of faith in their status as "soulmates," even in the midst of James' immature pranks and Lily's angry rants. Could she really sabotage everything? Lily was sure she would; the girl was loyal to a fault. It was part of what made her friendship so valuable, and so essential to Lily's survival at Hogwarts. Plus, she was her best friend, and she loved her dearly.

Okay, that was way too many Hallmark moments for one twenty-four-hour period, Lily thought. (Dorcas probably would have agreed.)

Finally, Alice gave in. "I'm in, too, as long as you're sure."

"I am," Lily said, without hesitation.

"Okay, then."

It took time and much debate before the girls decided on an effective course of action. Both Alice and Dorcas agreed that dividing the process into twelve steps was a genius idea, Lily was pleased to hear, and that the first step should involve admitting the problem. They were crushed when they realized Lily had already completed that step. Dorcas suggested that Lily "accidentally" push James off the astronomy tower, and offered to help bury the evidence, if necessary. Lily laughed, but cringed when Dorcas insisted she was serious. Alice, on the other hand, wanted Lily to start small. She urged Lily to keep busy and gradually learn to interact with James again, until at last she won back his friendship. Lily thought that perhaps this was a step in the wrong direction. She didn't want to be "just friends" with James any more than she wanted to push him off a building. More than anything, she wanted to prove to herself, and the rest of the world that she could exist without him. She was still a complete person. Alice was disappointed, but did not argue the point further. (Lily suspected that Alice secretly continued to hope that she and James would reconcile. Ha. As if.) Eventually, Lily decided to leave the steps open for interpretation. She promised the girls that she would take their suggestions into consideration, hoping it was enough to appease them. But there was no room for complaints. It was already eight o' clock. Classes started soon.

Lily stole a longing glance at her untidy bed. She thought of her Potions essay, and the monotony of life in general. Surely she would allow herself one measly day off. She could fake sickness easily, and felt fairly justified in doing so. What could it hurt, anyway? She had no desire to see James after last night, nor did she have the nerve to attend class in her pajamas. People would know immediately what must have happened, and she didn't want their pity, especially since it was her own fault for being so stupid. They would still talk, she knew, but at least she wouldn't have to face the gossip until Monday. That gave her sufficient time to prepare. She had been meaning to fine-tune her reactions to the mockery and fake sympathy that had followed her since the breakup.

"I think I'm staying in today," Lily announced, crawling back into bed happily.

Alice frowned. "You sure? We've got an essay due in Potions today. Slughorn might find your absence suspicious or something."

Across the room, Dorcas snorted into her cup of coffee. Obviously Lily wasn't the only one who saw the absurdity in Alice's comment. Though she did wonder why Dorcas was drinking coffee…she had a strong aversion to caffeine products, even soda.

She shook her head, remembering Dorcas' previous hyper behavior. Perhaps there was a connection…had Dorcas become a coffee fiend? Or had everyone simply gone mad recently? "Are you kidding? The man worships the ground that I walk on. He won't suspect a thing."

Alice bit her lip in concentration.

"She's right, you know," Dorcas assured her, taking another swig of coffee.

What the hell?

"Oh, all right," Alice said, giving up. "Though I don't think wallowing will help. Want anything?"

Wallowing? It hadn't even crossed Lily's mind…until now.  _Step 2: Wallow_.

It seemed appropriate, though the point was really to rise above her depression, not sink deeper into it.

Oh well.

She couldn't just quit cold turkey.

Besides, a bit of wallowing was healthy, when executed properly.

So it was settled, then. Lily was skipping. She brightened at the thought.

She made a mental note of the supplies she would need. Let's see…Her stomach growled. Okay. Food was definitely her first priority.

"As a matter of fact…yes," Lily smirked, though she knew Alice had meant it as a rhetorical question.

Alice sighed. "What?"

"CHOCOLATE!" Alice recoiled at her outburst, her eyes wide; Dorcas chuckled. Perhaps a bit too overzealous? "And cake and cookies and ice cream and marshmallows and –," She paused, thinking. "Whatever else you can find in the kitchens that contains ridiculous amounts of sugar."

"Erm…sure, I'll see what I can do. Just don't make yourself too sick, okay? And come up for air once in a while."

Dorcas rolled her eyes at Alice's worried tone. "Oh, pipe down." She turned to Lily. "How 'bout some alcohol, Lils? I think I can nab some from Filch's private stash. That is, if you're interested," she said with a wink.

Lily decided to ignore the nickname.

"Are you out of your mind?!" Alice practically growled.

"Yes," Dorcas answered calmly. She really was. Lily was surprised Alice hadn't noticed the coffee.

"No, thanks," Lily said, in response to Dorcas' questioning glance. "I'm good."

She shrugged. "Suit yourself, then."

"I'll see you later, okay?" Alice said, her eyes still fixed angrily on Dorcas.

Lily bade them goodbye, and the two girls exited the room in silence, leaving Lily to her thoughts.

She yawned, her eyes closing as she slipped into a delicious slumber…

_I'm B.O.R.E.D._

_Eating can only provide entertainment for so long._

_And I only just woke up about an hour ago, so there's a good chance the feeling is going to remain. I'm kind of disoriented right now. My head hurts, and I lost my watch, so I don't even know what time it is. It must be past noon, at least, because I awoke to a basket of sweets sitting prettily at the foot of my bed, meaning that Alice must have come by at some point between classes. The basket contained all of the goodies I had requested, including a box of warm butterbeers, which left me wondering at her supplier. It had to be someone willing to risk illness and the possible wrath of McGonagall (if he/she was ever caught sneaking into Hogsmeade). The most likely candidates, of course, are the marauders themselves. I pray it wasn't James…She also left a note saying that she didn't want to wake me earlier, but that she missed me in class, and would return later for another visit. I smiled evilly. Dorcas must be driving her crazy. Yes, I do know it's wrong to wish such hardship on my best friend, but Dorcas is my friend, too, and…well…Alice's reaction to her antics is rather amusing. Like that one time when Dorcas tried to set her up with Lucius Malfoy, or that other time she tried to set her up with Lucius Malfoy, or that other, other time…okay, so you get the idea. Frank was horrified. Poor bloke thought Alice was cheating on him with a future Death Eater. It was hil…awful. Really, really awful, in fact. Nope, not a bit funny. Ahem._

_I'm still bored._

_And more than a little depressed._

_But I am supposed to "wallow" today, so I reckon it's ok._

_So, since this is the last time I won't have to deny my feelings, I confess: I wish James were here with me, instead of off snogging Analiese Minnow, and doing her all sorts of magnificent favors (i.e. midnight snacks in the kitchens). I love him. And, as usual, I hate him as well. The hatred is stronger at the moment. I wish he were here, not because I want him back, but so I could step on his perfect face, and gouge his exquisite hazel eyes out, and just beat him into a bloody pulp. "A bit violent, eh, Evans?" he'd say if he could hear me. "I'm serious, Potter!" I'd snap. But then I'd smile, and he'd pull me onto his lap, and we'd…uhm…snog a bit. Or a lot, depending on my mood. (Most likely the latter.) I'd show him violent, all right. He'd have to grin at that._

_I really hate him._

_Urgh! All right, so maybe I don't hate him as much as I claim. But I do want to hate him, and there was a time when I genuinely did, I swear it. Or at least I believed I did. I do miss those days, when I could profess my undying hatred for James Potter and MEAN IT, without spending hours trying to convince myself of the fact. My love for him was nonexistent; things were loads simpler then._

_I never wanted to find true love. I never wanted a fairy tale ending. The very idea of a piece of my heart belonging to someone else frightened me…and I hated that James gave me reason to embrace my fears. I felt sometimes that I had stepped into a muggle romance novel. James Potter had slowly become my whole world. I felt like I was losing myself to him, our futures now inextricably intertwined, and I couldn't stand it. I just couldn't let it continue. The person I had become scared me. For as much as I longed for him, I longed for myself even more._

_Which is why the bloody boy broke up with me in the first place. I knew it was coming, knew he had noticed the change in me, but I didn't argue with his decision. He was always so sure about his feelings for me. And I…well…I couldn't even tell him I loved him. I pressed on, ignoring the throbbing of my heart, and all the details I was later forced to recall in my dreams. I just wanted to be strong again, but instead I became weaker. He proved me right. He broke my heart. I had always expected it. So why did I suddenly regret not fighting harder? I felt responsible for the failure of our relationship. As I should._

_Now if only the pain would go away…_

_I have no business hating him. Not when I was the one who pushed him away. I couldn't expect him to spend forever pining for me. He's too good for that. It's time we both moved on. I just wish I had moved on first. It might've saved me from feeling so pathetic._

_I love him. I always have, and it wasn't his fault, yet I hated him for it. Maybe I always will. Love him and hate him, I mean. I can try to get over him. But if I don't succeed, at least I can learn to pretend._

_I don't reckon he'd ever take me back._

_Not that I deserve to be taken back._

_And I wish I hated him…just a little… for making me want him back._

_I would only repeat the same mistakes all over again. Yesterday I was ready to give into temptation and fly into his arms (again), and the thought made me so, so happy (ecstatic, really). I thank Analiese Minnow for the reality check. Because it was then that I realized that even after everything, I was still holding tightly to the notion of James and me together, and that's just far too contradictory. Why did I subconsciously sabotage my relationship with James when it's so clear I love him and would give anything to go back? And how can I possibly blame him? I shouldn't. I'm the one who trusted him with my heart, and let him keep it, knowing how easily he could crush it. How easily I could TRICK him into crushing it. It's my fault. The truth is, I can't handle being in love. I'm not meant for it. That's the real issue here. And I know that now._

_I still feel disconnected from myself._

_Where's the old Lily Evans when you need her? Strong, fierce, and independent. The girl who didn't need a boyfriend to attain fulfillment, and refused to give her heart away to anyone, if only to spare herself the disappointment. I'm afraid I've lost her. I thought breaking up with James would force her into reappearance, but it only seemed to drive her farther away. Did she ever exist, or did I imagine her strength? I'm not sure. It's funny. Ha ha ha…_

_So ends my final period of wallowing._

_I wish Alice would come back soon. I ran out of tissues. And, as usual, my face looks absolutely horrid._

Lily broke off a piece of chocolate, popped it into her mouth, and chased it down with a spoonful of ice cream. Sugar was her new drug of choice. She was finished with her addiction to James Potter.

She was determined to find herself again, to get over James, and to resume hating him (or at least  _pretending_  to hate him).

And she knew she would succeed.


	3. Hogsmeade, or Wallow 2

Okay.

_Step 2: Wallow._

Check?

No.

Somehow it just didn't feel complete.

After all, there was more to wallowing than pigging out and feeling sorry for yourself, right?

Lily had always thought so.

She made a quick inventory of all her past relationships, from her first crush in muggle elementary school, to the more recent James Potter fiasco. She didn't remember the mourning period ever lasting this long. One day, at most, or less if she was the one who had ended things. She couldn't remember the last time she was in need of a real pick-me-up. Moving on was the easy part, or at least it had been…before…Of course this time would be different. Hadn't she learned anything in the past twenty minutes she spent pouring her heart out to a piece of parchment? James Potter was her first love. Her only love. Getting over him was a traumatic experience waiting to happen. Her task was a difficult one.

Shocking.

Her life had always been SO SIMPLE!

Lily took a swig of warm butterbeer, pulling her blanket up to her chin. It was beginning to get chilly. Reluctantly, she grabbed her wand and stepped out of bed, shivering when her feet brushed the icy wooden floor. She reached the fireplace and muttered a soft incantation, watching as flames sprung to life at the hearth. Her mood brightened; the aura cast by the firelight was quite pleasant. And yet, as she scrambled back into bed, a thought occurred to her: Why hadn't Dumbledore ever thought to install a heating system? So the purebloods considered it a "muggle luxury," and a waste of time and money. Big deal! Since when was Dumbledore obligated to take orders in his own school? Maybe Lily would bring the subject to his attention at their next meeting (preferably without James). After all, she was Head Girl, and as such had the right to voice her opinions. Dumbledore always seemed to trust her judgment, and she was nothing if not persuasive; she was sure he'd see the validity in her argument. Winters at home were loads more comfortable.

_Home._  Her thoughts lingered on the word, enjoying the feeling it induced, and letting it wash over her. She missed it. Not that Hogwarts wasn't a fine  _second_  home. It just wasn't the same sometimes. If she were at home, instead of wasting away in agony at this blasted school, she could watch television, or pick a fight with Petunia, or bake cookies with her mother, or have a snowball fight, or any number of other fulfilling activities. But here, all she could do was sit, and wait impatiently till classes ended and her roommates returned to bombard her with secondhand gossip. So that's what it had come to: she had to depend on others for her fulfillment. How sad.

She crinkled an empty candy wrapper, counting the specks of white on her fingernails. What were those, anyhow? Calcium, maybe? She must have asked her doctor at some point during her childhood. Now if only she could remember what his answer had been...

Had anyone ever died from boredom? She didn't think so, but kept the possibility in mind, anyway. At least death might provide temporary entertainment.

She couldn't believe she had just contemplated death as a means of entertainment.

This was BAD.

She hoped classes were nearly over.

She tried to distract herself while she waited.

In a way that did not, under any circumstances, involve mourning the loss of a certain James Potter.

He was not all that consumed her thoughts…or so she told herself.

She searched for her watch. (It was nowhere to be found.)

She practiced shouting "I hate you, James Potter!" and stomping away in a huff.

She stole a stack of muggle romance novels from underneath Alice's bed, and read the first and last page of each. But they were all the same, and the discovery only made her angrier. Angsty beginning, happy ending. Characters annoying and one-dimensional (yet supposedly drop-dead "sexy"). Setting described as an "exotic, romantic locale" littered with palm trees and girls with sun-kissed blonde hair and boys with amazing tans and athletic ability. Dialogue plagiarized from every other book of the same genre. Sex scenes…ugh…cringe-worthy. Plot laughably predictable. Story painted with a complete disregard for reality whatsoever…and oh!, the cover art…Lily could have gone on, but quit for the sake of preserving her sanity. No wonder Alice had unrealistic notions of love! Never again, she promised herself, as she tucked the novels – or "literary trash," as she preferred to call them – away.

She finished the last of the cookies' n cream, and moved on to butter pecan ice cream.

She wrote a lengthy letter to her parents, and sealed it for delivery.

She fed her cat and used a spell to make his fur a glossier shade of ginger.

She painted each of her ten fingernails a different color (yes, without magic), basking in the disappearance of the white specks, and wiggled them in front of her face.

And yes, when she grew desperate enough, she even tried crying over a photograph of James. She chose a particularly nice one for the occasion, her favorite: she and James sitting by the lake just before the start of summer holidays, the giant squid lounging in the background, as the couple cuddled and cooed at the benign creature. Once in a while, the Photo-James would smile his breathtaking smile at her, making her heart ache so painfully she almost lost the ability to breathe. It reminded her of the way he always used to look at her (even before the beginning of their relationship), his eyes so full of love, and certainty…okay, so the sentiment was definitely there. Still, her tear ducts wouldn't cooperate, and the attempt only succeeded in giving her a headache. Lily understood; her eyes had been severely maltreated lately.

She sighed, accepting the failure, and set to work on coming up with alternate methods of burying her conflicted emotions.

Finally, just when Lily's creativity was spent, Dorcas ambled into the room with Alice on her heels…and  _another_ cup of coffee in hand!

Lily pretended not to notice.

"Dorcas!" Lily squealed, embracing the girl with such fervor that she nearly spilled her coffee.

"Someone's desperate for attention, I think, " Dorcas told Alice, laughing.

Alice smiled halfheartedly. "What's wrong?" Lily asked, noticing Alice's glum expression, and mentally preparing herself for the bad news.

"Hogsmeade's been cancelled; the trip is rescheduled for two weeks from tomorrow."

Lily frowned. Personally, she hadn't even been aware of the trip, nor had she anticipated it. Maybe she should check the bulletin board more often.

"I'm sorry?" Lily said dumbly.

"You didn't know about it, did you?"

"No," she admitted.

Alice sighed. "I wanted to do some holiday shopping before I forgot…and now…" she trailed off, staring at the ceiling.

"Oh, you have weeks for that. It's only November," Dorcas assured her, checking herself in the mirror. She set her coffee down and reached for her hairbrush, wincing slightly as she eased through the tangles in her unruly ebony hair. "She's been like this all day –  _mopey_." Her mouth twitched; apparently she shared Lily's strong dislike of the art. "It's bloody annoying. It's like I told you, Al, I can get you into Hogsmeade  _anytime you want_. It's real easy to sneak out once you've got the hang of it."

Alice continued her staring contest with the ceiling. It was obvious she wasn't going to risk sneaking out of school, and normally, Lily would have echoed her decision. She would trust Dorcas with her life, but not the future of her magical education. No, never that; it was too important to her. Still, the idea intrigued her. Dorcas did have a point. Those brainless marauders were  _always_  sneaking out of Hogwarts in the dead of night, and they never once got caught. So why couldn't she manage the same feat? She could think of no good reason.

Besides, Lily could use a change of scenery. It felt like ages since she had ventured outside the boundaries of Hogwarts. The dim lighting was beginning to annoy her.

"How soon can we leave?" Lily asked quickly, before she lost her nerve.

A burst of adrenaline shot up her arms, warning her of the dangers ahead. She was in uncharted territory now. She shivered; the thought was empowering.

Dorcas shrugged, smiling. "Now, if you like." She pursed her lips, applying a fresh coat of gloss. It was part of her daily routine. Primp, go to class, primp again…and show off.

Lily watched her with envy. Dorcas Meadows, so unlike Lily in her carefree nature, yet startlingly similar in other ways. Lily wanted to be "young, wild, and with a certain disregard for the rules," a phrase the teachers often used to describe Dorcas (and the marauders, come to think of it), too. She was tired of her role as "the responsible one" (though she often shared it with Alice). She was forever missing out on the fun, and she hated it. And now was her chance to rectify that.

Besides, she was sick of wallowing. It was depressing. Of course, that was probably the point, but she honestly didn't care. Playing by the rules was exhausting. Not that breaking them was much better. After all, she broke the rules when she fell in love with James Potter, and look where that had gotten her. She paused, thinking. Never mind that she had failed in her attempts to direct her thoughts away from the subject of her ex. That boy represented quite a few turning points in Lily's life, didn't he? He was like a persistently awful walking metaphor for everything that had or ever would go right or wrong in her life. Bugger. Lily had always suspected the cosmos had it in for her.

Regardless…she was going, and that was final.

And she would definitely not think about James Potter while she was there, even if it was where they had gone on their first date, and had their first kiss, and – never mind the rest. She wouldn't think about him…she swore it.

Forget her past failures; this time, she would succeed.

It was time to move on, and eliminate her urge to wallow for good.

Lily shook herself and turned toward Alice, weighing her reaction. Her expression was blank, guarded. She frowned suspiciously.

"What?" Lily narrowed her eyes at her, annoyed. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Are you seriously going along with her?" Alice asked incredulously.

"Sure, why not?"

Dorcas clapped her hands in triumph. "'Atta girl!" Now it was Alice's turn. "You in?"

Dorcas sat and slipped on a pair of boots, unconcerned.

Lily picked at her nail polish, waiting.

"Nah, I don't think so," Alice's voice was calm, her expression blank. "I've got homework, and Frank, and…lots of things."

She hesitated, still staring at Lily as if she'd sprouted a second head. She was hoping it'd knock some sense into her; Lily could tell. And it did…sort of.

Lily's tone softened. She knew Alice was only concerned for her safety; it was nice, actually. "C'mon, Al. It's Friday; homework and Frank can wait till Monday. Besides, we haven't had a girls' night out in a while, and you can still get your shopping done…if you come."

She waited while Alice considered her proposition. She could almost see the wheels turning in her head. She smiled at the thought; it was a much better metaphor than those involving (formerly) arrogant, toerag ex-boyfriends.

That she wasn't supposed to think about anymore.

Damn.

"Okay, okay…I'll come," Alice declared finally, smiling. Lily was grateful for the interruption in her thoughts. "If you're absolutely positive we won't get caught."

"Not a chance," Dorcas promised, raising her right hand with a flourish. "Cross my broomsticks and hope to fly."

The trio was in Hogsmeade barely an hour later.

They shopped a bit first, humoring Alice as she mulled over what to get Frank (though they both knew he would love anything she bought) for Christmas, and acted indifferent when she wanted their opinion on gifts that coincided suspiciously with those on their personal wish lists. Neither Lily nor Dorcas bought anything, just browsed while Alice worked herself into a "tizzy," as Lily's mother often said. Alice pronounced the trip successful nonetheless, which greatly relieved Lily and Dorcas. They didn't even have to convince her to come to The Three Broomsticks with them afterward for a warm butterbeer and a bite to eat. She walked willingly, struggling under the weight of her many bundles, as the girls chatted merrily beside her. Beneath their feet, flurries of imperfect white snowflakes blanketed the stone sidewalks; it had unknowingly begun to fall during their shopping excursion, and continued harder now, turning their cheeks pink where the frost touched. It was lovely, like a scene from a muggle postcard, or an adaptation of  _A Christmas Carol_ Lily had once seen on television. They almost missed the pub in their wanderings. Their spirits were so improved, in fact, that they scarcely noticed when Dorcas led them astray.

The trio lingered at the entrance to the pub, grateful for the warmth it provided, but hesitant to lose the feeling of utmost serenity the snow had granted. It was only when a waitress asked them personally to "Get outta the doorway, will ya?" that they dared venture inside. And it was only then, as they found seats near the bar, that Alice and Lily questioned their strange surroundings.

"Umm…Dorcas?" Alice called nervously, averting her gaze from the tall, hooded figure that was winking at her from the bar.

"Yes, Alice?" Dorcas replied cheerfully, giving Alice's admirer the thumbs-down. The message was clear: She wasn't available. The figure shrugged and looked away, turning his attention toward a scantily clad blonde witch near the window.

"Where are we, exactly?"

"Why, it's funny you should ask that, m'dear! We're in a charming little pub called The Flaming Phoenix. It's just like The Three Broomsticks, except with more leniency regarding the drinking age, and  _far_ more interesting company." She smiled flirtatiously at the proprietor, who grinned in return and motioned her over. "I'll be right back, don't move or talk to anyone," Dorcas said, getting up before Alice could respond. She sighed, her face frightened. Lily examined the place with interest. The atmosphere was inviting, cozy. All around, folks drank and talked animatedly with their neighbors, though some kept to themselves. The pub was clean and well-kept, with few exceptions, including a mysterious green stain to the left of Lily's elbow. At least the color was in season. She could only wonder at the origin of the stain. She stayed focused on the splash of green, but watched Dorcas through the corner of her eye. Alice pretended to shuffle through one of her bags, the color rising in her cheeks. The hooded figure and the blonde witch had left some time ago, Lily noted. She didn't want to think about where they'd gone, or when –  _whether_ , she corrected herself - they'd return.

After an eternity of sitting in silence, too out of sorts to mingle, Dorcas was back with their drinks. She sat and took a sip of hers, and Lily followed suit. It was red and sugary, and clung to her insides on the way down. Alice watched her closely as she drank it, her expression pinched with distaste, probably wondering about the contents of her own drink. Lily thought it best not to ask.

Alice was bolder. "Okay, first of all, I'll ignore the fact that you clearly belong in St. Mungo's…for now…and the fact that you've obviously been here before. Don't tell me; I don't want to know a  _thing_. Except…" She paused, tipping her glass slightly to get a closer look at the sticky mess. "…is there alcohol in these drinks?"

Her drink fizzed in response. Perhaps she had made it angry? By the looks of it, alcohol was the least of their worries.

Dorcas looked wounded. "I'm surprised at you, Al. Really, I'm shocked. Don't you know me at all?"

Her words caught Alice off-guard for a moment. Lily, too, was confused. She was sure these drinks contained alcohol; no sober person would willingly digest the icky red fluid. Well, she had, but that was before she'd examined the drink more carefully. Now she was sorry she'd tried it. And Dorcas had, but Dorcas was…well…Dorcas. She hardly met the standards of a sober individual in comparison with the rest of the magical population.

"So," Alice began cautiously, glancing at Lily for support. "These drinks are perfectly legal?"

"Well." Dorcas' blue eyes sparkled in the dim light. "I didn't say that…exactly, but…"

She frowned at Alice's scared expression. "Anyway…how 'bout a toast to cheer you up?" She held her glass high, ignoring the bubbly protests of the liquid within.

Lily continued to eye her drink with aversion. Nope. Not another sip.

Dorcas sighed. "Okay, let's put it this way: If I told you what was in it, you wouldn't drink it." She paused thoughtfully, chuckling. "Neither would I, come to think of it. Everyone knows how brilliant Lils is at Potions. She could probably identify the side effects of these ingredients a mile away. And that'd only spoil everything because, quite frankly, I don't want to know. No one wants to  _prevent_  a hangover." Alice rolled her eyes at this, but Dorcas ignored the gesture. "Besides…not knowing is half the fun, right?" she added hopefully.

"No…really, it isn't," Alice scowled, her jaw clenched. No one was going to pressure  _her_ into drinking.

Lily considered her options more carefully. She could take the smart, responsible route and refuse the drink, and hightail it out of there before any further damage was done; it was a very Lily-esque course of action. Or, she could take a risk and down it in one gulp, with the knowledge that she would probably end up nursing her first hangover the next morning. It was a stupid thing to do, clearly, and unnecessarily reckless; typical Dorcas-style behavior, from what Lily had observed. Her mind ran through all the negative consequences her actions might bring, each one worse than the last. Yet, none of these scenarios seemed a good enough reason to keep her thoughts clear. Hadn't she longed to be more like Dorcas, to forget the past and live in the moment, just this once? Maybe behaving recklessly wasn't the way to do it; somewhere deep down she must have known that. And yet, somehow, she didn't care, because at that moment, all she wanted was to feel alive, and whole again, without the memory of her relationship with James Potter looming over her. Wasn't that the point? She wanted to be  _Lily Evans –_ plain, old Lily Evans – not the Lily Evans whose name would forever be associated with James. Young, alive, and free. No strings attached. Just good, semi-dirty fun.

Lily closed her eyes and clinked her glass against Dorcas', letting its contents ooze into her waiting mouth. "To us – you and me – and moving on," she said, clearly indicating the meaning behind her words.

And to forgetting the past, she added silently.

Dorcas smiled sadly (or did she just imagine it?), understanding Lily's unspoken words. "To moving on," she said, then added, "And starting over."

"Whoop-de-doo," Alice said sarcastically, whistling as the girls downed the remaining globs of red.

And, predictably, Lily's stuck on the way down.

The sticky fluid was strangely addictive the second, third, and fourth times it went down.

_STICKY!_ Lily snorted. "That's my new favorite word," she told the green stain on the table.

She raised her head slowly. The atmosphere in the pub had begun to pick up. All around her, people danced and flirted, laughed and drank, music blaring from a set of unseen speakers. The lights blinked, the room alive with all sorts of fantastical shapes and colors. And the ceiling, it was… _moving._  How charming! Was it bewitched? Lily looked up, watching the shadows of the dancers swaying to and fro on the ceiling, their bodies at one with the music. She almost wanted to join them.

"No thanks," came Alice's voice from beside her. "I bought my own, see?"

She smiled, indicating her full glass. The stranger shrugged and sauntered away, bumping into Dorcas on the way, who had only just managed to disentangle herself from her dance partner. She giggled and rammed into Alice.

"He's cute." She nudged Alice, nodding her approval.

Alice frowned. "I see your standards aren't very high," she said, rolling her eyes.

Dorcas cackled maniacally, in perfect imitation of the stereotypical "witch." "I take offense to that." She took another swig of her drink.

"Want me to sock her for ya?" Lily chimed in, balling her fists.

She turned to Lily, brightening. "No, thanks, Lils…hehe, you look all  _loopy._ " She slashed the air with her finger, tracing Lily's outline. "Loony, Loopy Lily!"

Lily considered the nickname, exploding in a fit of giggles. "She's so funny! Isn't she funny, Al?" Alice shrugged; she obviously didn't think so. Killjoy! "Dorcas…D-D-D-D-Dorky Dorcas!"

"You're mean," Dorcas pouted, but they laughed and clinked glasses.

"Can we g – OH NO," Alice said, burying her face in her hands. "Oh no, oh no, oh no…"

"What?" Lily asked, swallowing. She followed Alice's gaze to the entrance, where two gangly, fresh-faced boys in long black cloaks had just arrived. Two boys that bore a striking resemblance to Sirius Black and James Potter. They greeted the waitress and clumsily took their seats, a mere table away from the one containing Lily and her friends. Alice blushed and slid down in her chair, but the boys appeared not to have seen them. Not yet.

"So, Jamesie, I presume you'll have the usual?" Sirius asked in a very formal tone.

"Certainly, my good man," James replied, equally business-like. "And if you don't mind, make it a double…"

"Be right back." Sirius grinned, already turning on his legendary charm.

Lily was amused. What made them decide to come to a pub? They already seemed mildly drunk.

Lily watched as Sirius casually made his way toward the bar. "All right there, Al? How's the wife and kids? Jamesie and I will have our usual…"

Lily didn't wait for his response. "Alice!" she hissed, poking her roughly in the arm. "The bartender stole your name!"

She looked genuinely curious for a moment. "Really? That bloke's name is Alice?"

"No, you twit!" Dorcas interrupted, which sent both girls into hysterics once again.

"Shh! Keep it down!" Alice advised, shaking her head. She glanced nervously at James, but he wasn't paying attention to them. He sat idly watching the dancers, contemplative.

Sirius returned, setting the drinks on the table with a flourish. James regained his usual roguish grin. "To us," he toasted, his drink sloshing. "The two best-looking blokes at Hogwarts!"

"Amen!" James cheered, gulping down the amber liquid with no trouble.

"Hey! Now they took our toast, too…" Lily began, but Alice silenced her quickly.

"Shut up, Lily! Do you want them to hear us?"

"Who cares?"

Lily posed the question first to Alice, then to herself. Who cares?The answer came easily to her.  _I don't._ And she didn't, truly she didn't. She should have cared a great deal, she knew. Why?  _James Potter_. Why was he so important, exactly? She recalled the name immediately, connected it with his appearance. She knew that she'd always fancied him, even against her better judgment, and that they'd recently dated. She remembered that he had once loved her, and she may have even loved him. And she understood the pain that she had felt, mere hours earlier, at the thought of their parting. Funny. He had no effect on her now. The sight of him no longer irritated the gaping hole in her chest. Perhaps it had finally healed itself. Had she moved on, then? Lily shrugged, a single line of thought penetrating the loud whirring in her head as years of blurred memories fought for her attention:  _And to forgetting the past…_ Time, she thought. Only time would bring her clarity.

"I don't care," Dorcas said, echoing Lily's thoughts, as usual. "I'll be damned if I let those blokes ruin  _my_ evening. We were here first, weren't we?" Lily nodded.

Alice sighed. Clearly, her advice wasn't needed.

Lily listened hard, catching a snippet of conversation from the table beside hers.

"…Speaking of which, why didn't you bring our Miss Minnow on this charming little outing?" Sirius said, already halfway through his second drink.

James laughed; the sound gave Lily shivers. "Because, Padfoot, I came here to get  _away_ from her."

Sirius looked confused. "Well I dunno, Prongs, you didn't seem too keen to get away last night," he winked.

"Obviously. But she's just so… _clingy_. I mean, she's good-looking enough and all that, but she's just not-."

" _Her_ ," Sirius finished, chewing on a chunk of ice.

_Her?_ Her who? Lily wondered.

James tipped his bottle slightly, only half-smiling. "Maybe. I reckon we'll never know. Which is why, mate, I come here to drown my sorrows."

"Really? I thought it was because you'd just admitted to manipulating the feelings of a perfectly nice girl in exchange for a good snog."

So Sirius had a conscience, after all, eh? Lily was impressed.

James frowned, almost taking him seriously. "Easy on the firewhiskey there, Pad."

"Right," he grinned, taking a swig.

There was a brief pause, during which time Lily pondered the exact color of James Potter's eyes…that is, until he blinked, interrupting her thoughts.

"Maybe we should head back," James suggested.

"As you wish," Sirius said. "But first…one for the road, Al, eh?"

They were leaving? So soon? "Wait!" Lily stood before Alice could protest. "Don't go!"

"Oh, Lily." Alice shook her head, frowning.

"Way to go, Lils!" Dorcas punched a fist in the air.

James turned, scanning the area for the source of the noise. He seemed bewildered. Finally, his eyes settled on Lily, smiling up at him from her cozy little corner. His expression changed upon seeing her. He waved a hand in front of his face, as if checking his awareness. He stood, too, motioning toward Sirius.

"Padfoot, mate?"

"Prongs?" Sirius answered, handing James a bottle of clear, amber liquid.

He pointed. "Am I…erm…what I mean to say is…am I…imagining her standing there?"

"Sirius' eyes widened. "If you are, then I am…and for your sake, let's hope not."

"Right, then." He nodded, decisive. "Shall we?"

"No choice."

They made their way over carefully, their eyes traveling over each of the girls in turn. James' eyes lingered on Lily the longest, she noticed, but he did not address her. An awkward silence befell the group. No one knew quite what to say. The silence was broken by Dorcas, who looked in need of a fresh supply of…erm…whatever it was they were consuming.

"All right there, gents? Care to join me for a drink?" she asked merrily, jumping up. She started to move toward the bar, but swayed unsteadily on her feet; Sirius caught her, and she clutched his arm for support. Her behavior appeared to amuse him. He put his arm around her and helped her into a seat at the bar, where they ordered a fresh round of drinks.

The remaining three remained the picture of awkwardness. Lily looked at James, his mouth lop-sided as he stared at her curiously, then at Alice, her face hidden beneath a curtain of hair, and laughed. Her sides ached with the effort. She pointed a finger at James. "Psst…Allie…look there!"

"What?" Alice asked, slowly uncovering her eyes.

"That's my ex-boyfriend!" Lily giggled, grinning fondly at her newest pet. "Isn't he cute?"

James blushed. Alice spoke carefully. "Umm…I s'pose so, Lily…" she stammered. "But I'm in a relationship, so I really shouldn't say."

Lily pictured Frank's reaction to Alice's stammering. She hardly expected he would  _Avada Kedavra_ James on the spot in a fit of jealousy. She pounded her fist against the table, giggling madly at the thought.

"Erm…is she quite all right?" James asked Alice, his eyebrows raised.

"Dandy," Alice said, turning on him. Her voice was dripping in sarcasm.

"Stop talking about me like I'm not here," Lily pouted, hypocritically. James ran a hand through his hopelessly messy hair, concerned. Lily blinked and looked away, in search of a distraction. Her eyes fell on her drink. A bubble popped in the depths of the red, spraying bits of pink everywhere. "Here," she insisted, forcing the drink into his hands. "You'll feel better."

"Erm…no thanks." He handed the drink to Alice, who held it with just her fingertips.

Lily tried again to capture James' attention. "Dance? You. Me."

Okay, so her communication skills were a bit…erm…lacking. Big deal.

He shrugged. "Sure."

She giggled and pulled him onto the dance floor, leaving Alice to fend for herself and Dorcas at the bar with Sirius.

He stopped her when they reached the dance floor. "What're you doing here, Lily?" he asked seriously. "I don't think I've ever seen you anywhere near here." His eyes bored into her, urging her to explain herself.

"Dancing," Lily answered confidently. She looked up, sea green finding liquid malt. It was the truth. She  _was_  dancing. He couldn't deny that. Was there more going on beneath the surface? Maybe. Lily's motives puzzled even her. She didn't know why she had stopped James from leaving, or why she had asked him to dance. She felt as if she were falling through a vacuum, her mind absent of all meaning. Everything moved in slow motion – sights, sounds, and thoughts distorted by the time she processed them. She was dizzy, the lights blurring her vision, and nothing made sense. Especially not her attraction to James. All she knew was that she wanted –  _needed_ – to be near him. She needed to hear his voice, to touch him, to dance. It was a desire too strong to suppress.

"Dancing," James repeated, his forehead creasing. "Is that right?

"Yes." She tried to keep her voice even.

"Okay, fine. You're dancing. But why are you dancing with  _me_? And here, of all places? I thought after last night you'd be -."

"I'd be what?" she demanded, her temper beginning to flare. "Broken? Too emotionally damaged to function at the thought of you with someone else?"

"I-I don't know."

She pressed on. "Do you honestly think I'm that  _weak_?"

"No. I think you're that human."

Lily looked away, the emotion in his eyes too much. She held onto James tightly, resting her head on his shoulder as they swayed to the music. She missed the warmth of the closeness, and the feeling of security that evaded her now. It made her brave, though she should have been afraid.

"Lily, seriously." He turned her head to face him. "I want to know how you really feel."

"No." She shook her head, fighting back tears.

His voice softened. "Please?"

But she couldn't concentrate on the question, let alone provide an acceptable answer. She was intoxicated, confused, her mind absent of rational thought. Her senses - her one certainty - were on overdrive; it was enough to make her faint.

"At least say  _something_ , then." He was watching her, she knew.

She struggled for control of herself.

…And lost, as usual.

"Mmm…you smell good," she breathed, dreamily. And he did, like peppermint and firewhiskey, an impossible combination. His heart beat steadily against her cheek. She closed her eyes, counting the beats, matching them to her own…

He sighed, closing his eyes, too. "So do you."

"Want to know a secret?"

One eye opened. "Sure," he said softly.

"I love you." She spoke honestly, effortlessly, with a confidence that had failed her previously. It was funny. Her first time telling James she loved him, and she was under the influence of Unknown Alcoholic Drink # 3.

Lily glanced up, surprised to find James at a loss for words. It didn't make her regret her own. She hadn't expected anything in return. Now if she could just shake that feeling of wanting more. Unless…suddenly, a strange thought entered Lily's mind. For once, without thinking of the consequences, she leaned forward and kissed him. The kiss was slow and tentative at first, and James was hesitant in returning it. Still, it was perfect – sickly sweet, and expressive of everything Lily had tried to deny between them. She felt dizzy when James broke the kiss, the haziness caused by her drinking now intensified. She couldn't speak, or even breathe properly; her lungs burned, air coming in quick gasps. She knew nothing, except that she didn't ever want to lose the feeling of him – the taste of him on her lips, his hands in her hair, the musty smell of their surroundings – all things she tried to commit to memory. But it was no use; it was already slipping away…

"Lily," He traced the outline of her face his fingertips, sighing. She closed her eyes again, fearing the worst. She didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Suddenly, he frowned, dropping his hand from her face. "You're drunk." It wasn't a question.

"Aren't you?" She was missing his lips on hers.

"No." His voice was clear, firm. It sounded harsh to her ears. She winced, and he whispered, understanding. "Well, maybe a bit, but -."

"Shh," Lily said, replacing her hand over his heart; she felt it quicken with a surge of pleasure. "Don't talk."

He obeyed. She kissed him again, and he let her. For a moment, everything made sense.

Until: "Leave me alone! Lily!" a scream came from across the room. Lily started, the haziness returning. She ran, drawn toward the sound. She thought she heard James follow her. The room spun, the world buckling beneath her feet…

"Lily!" More screaming. A commotion at the bar, hexes flying wildly. She ducked to avoid a jet of red light, and her body connected with the floor. Someone yelled her name again, frantic, and she felt herself being dragged upward, through the crowd, and out into the cold. The ground was slippery, and wet, the snow fast disappearing. She was beginning to get soaked, her skin cool and clammy. The rain chased her through the streets, sloshing around her ankles, slowing her progress further.

She couldn't see. She couldn't hear. She couldn't think. All she could do was move, and hope she knew where she was going. Or hope that those who were leading her knew where she was going.

It was not until she was back on Hogwarts grounds that Lily realized she wasn't moving on her own anymore. She was being carried, by whom she didn't know. The same person had also had the sense to wrap a cloak around her, to keep the icy rain at bay. It made her feel safe, so she snuggled in closer. She may have shouted, she wasn't sure what. And then, everything went black.

 


End file.
